Madelyn....

so, I took madelyn to the dr yesterday.

originally, we were just concerned about her breathing, couldn't shake her last cold/cough bug,  and possibly having asthma, maybe even some allergy issues, she is always tired,  .. not sure, we just knew it was time to take her in and get her checked out..... so......  yep, asthma... they gave us a bunch of inhaler/chamber things...... yep, some allergies...... we are giving her an allergy tablet for 2 weeks....... yep a cold, she is now on an antibiotic for 5 days...... so all of that is done/good/whatever

the big one...... Her heart has an irregular slow beat to it when she breaths/gets excited... it slows down like every couple of beats. i can put my ear to chest and HEAR it..... even when she was in a deeeep sleep.... it is like.....
bumbum...bumbum...bumbum.................bummm..bumm........bummbummm..................then again

so, they are making an appt for a cardiologist fresno, as well as an allergist.
they have me going in at 3 today for madelyn to have bloodwork done. i was trying to be a good mom and kinda prepare her so it wasn't so scary, so i told her they were going to use a metal toothpick to borrow some blood, just to check her princess juice.... make sure no glitter was needed to be added..... she bought it..... =)..... and i promised her yogurt at Big Kahuna.
this is the same girl who does NOT like change. does not understands WHY her clothes are handed down to malorie.... she just freaks..... so im trying make it "easy peasy"......

next they want an xray of heart & lungs.
(she said she wanted to check for fluid pockets in lungs)


so needless to say, last night sucked. its all the "what if" scenarios..... im praying NON stop.... i tear up non stop...... but NEVER in front of girls.
i know, i know.... "you don't even know if something *BAD* is going on, don't freak yourself out, blah blah...." try letting it be YOUR child, and you can HEAR her heart struggling..... just imagine...... then times it by 10,000,000... this must be one of the most insane things ive ever been in the middle of.  I feel guilty for EVER getting upset with her...

i know God has a plan.
I know, im only human.
Im not perfect.
I can't react the way everyone wants me too.
I also know that it is NOT my job to make everyone else feel better.
God blessed me with 3 beautiful girls, THATS my job. be the best mom i can be.  i KNOW how to TRY at that.
i know i am so overwhelmed it is litterally hurting my gut.
i know, that nothing has been determined with madelyn. she has lots of appts. ahead of her. but as we all know, sometimes, the UNKNOWN is WORSE than the "what is".....

ive been told by more than one, its a good thing i found out something NOW, rather than something terrible happening and finding out damage had been done.

pretty please pray.